Endings

In 1991, twenty-nine years old, and devastated at the end of a five-and-a-half-year relationship, I read Judith Viorst’s “Necessary Losses.” Lessons from the book, which starts, “We begin life with loss”, have protected me the past sixteen years, and I have recommended it to many friends who were faced with the end of a romance, marriage, death of a spouse or parent, job, or some other major life event.

I have always been afraid of endings. The last day of school, or of a job, and that weird, eerie feeling you get when you know your life is about to change dramatically, is uncomfortable at best, and, regardless of reason, depressing and empty at worst. My abandonment issues aside, the thought of losing a friend, boyfriend, family member, job, or my reputation can throw me into panic. I associate endings with loss, and loss with death, which, oddly, makes beginnings difficult as well.

When I was 18, I distinctly remember the concept of me being older than twenty-five an impossibility. (At 18 I also thought that making $35,000 a year would be great.) Now, ambivalent about turning forty-five in a few short weeks, I am also in a panic, and facing the absolute, undeniable fact that my life is half over. I can no longer pretend I can pass for 35 or 40. I have lost my youth.

On April 26, 1970, Stephen Sondheim and Hal Prince opened the Broadway musical “Company.” The following year it was nominated for 14 Tony awards and won six. It ran through the beginning of 1972, and has seen several revivals, including a London production and another Tony award winning production in 1996. On November 29, 2006, “Company” re-opened on Broadway, and closed today.

The show examines “Bobby,” a man living in Manhattan, on his 35th birthday, and explores his fear of commitment. Raúl Esparza played the lead role in this latest production, which I saw in previews late last year, and again this afternoon, its last performance. Throughout the show, I was amazed at how Bobby’s 35th birthday feels like my impending 45th. (I am told 45 is the new 35, but I’m not quite sure.) Almost at the end of the show, Esparza completes a scene and receives a standing ovation, which lasts well over a minute. He is stunned. Feeling the energy in the theater, a desperate wish flashes through me: At my 60th birthday, I want to have led a life that would warrant the admiration of so many. I want to know what that standing ovation feels like. And I want to know that what I’ve done, deserves it.

Today’s performance was flawless, intimate, vibrant. And I thought, perhaps the secret is to see a show just before it ends, instead of when it begins. Maybe endings aren’t quite so bad. Maybe the challenge isn’t not to fear the end of a relationship, a job, or a life. Maybe the challenge is to fear a relationship, job, or life that ends poorly, or was lived poorly. And if successful at that, maybe, somewhere, there is a similar standing ovation awaiting us all.

---

I welcome your comments, or, feel free to email me. Additionally, you can: